Lost on A Run

     No matter how down, how tired, or how lazy I feel, there is nothing that beats the feel of a good run.  You might be wondering where I have been or why I have been so distant with my blog.  Where have I been?

     I have been right here. I have been that girl who walks silently throughout the grocery store…I am that girl who smiles and works with children all day long.  I am that girl who has maybe walked right by you and you have not noticed.

     It is funny how life works out.  I am so happy to be at my new school.  I feel like I might be able to make a difference.  I have a nice job and I am surrounded by amazing children from all over the world.  I wish I could share their beautiful faces with you all, but I am not allowed to.  You can understand.  Life seems to be falling into place…but why am I so down and up…up and down?

     I cannot run well….it has been far too long.  I am so sad.  When I look at my blog, I want to revisit my amazing races.  I love to race and I had so much fun…but that girl who is glowing during the race…she is missing right now and I cannot get her back.  I go about my day but when I am rushing to get my next class, I often think, “I wish I could run.”  It is hard to not have it come up in conversation. 

     I am sure you are thinking: “There could be worse things in life.”  I know and I agree so I feel somewhat selfish…but when I come home to an empty house, knowing that I do not get to see Lilly, it makes me sad.  I do not know how or why it has taken so long to be able to get back into running.  I know that I have a bruised tibia and torn meniscus…but running is the air that I breathe.  I suppose it would be different if I had someone to enjoy biking with and get lost on the hills with…my bike does a good job but I miss Lilly…and I miss running.  Imagine if I can never run again?  I cannot imagine it…or am I living this feeling right now?  What if my running will never be the same and I will never…ever make it to Boston? I know there could be worse things but I was always taught that if you work hard your dreams will come true…and Boston…Boston is my dream and I want to get there.  I am sorry I have been distant…but it is hard to know that Boston has started its registration process and this will be another year my name does not make it into the program. 

     I know that there is more to life than Boston.  I work in Syracuse and it is a tough district but I love it.  I want to be a positive role model and get children to run and reach for their dreams…how am I supposed to do that when I cannot run?

I wish I could run around the block three times and my pain would magically go away…I wish I could run down the street and climb that pole at the playground and ring the bell so it goes away.  I need a miracle to happen I suppose…the longer I do not run, the more I let life seem less amazing. 

I Wish Upon An Oreo So Yummy!”

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Today is my day off! I just found out I will be teaching at a new school in my district and I could not be happier.

Last weekend, I ran a 5k and landed in 2nd place overall! I finished in 23:52 with my torn meniscus and bruised bone. I was rather excited! Then I switched from the half Mary to the 10k… I finished in 50:22…. Not bad for being tired and injured…but then I saw the bigger picture. I want to run forever. I don’t want this to be the end. So I took a break and I haven’t ran since. I am sad and there is not much else to do to spend my time forgetting about the joy and utter bliss I have running…..you see I am kind of a loner….but I saw the big picture and I am excited about what I have in store. Most people who know me realize my name is my married name but I am divorced. I haven’t changed my name yet, but I run under my maiden name.

So I finished my big challenge to make it to 50 half marathons and I want to do my 50 states….but how can I make you jealous? I am going to work on my 7 continents. Obviously, North America is done…I refuse to go to Africa because of Ebola…so I won’t share but my eyes are set on a couple of continents…soooo we will see what happens. I love traveling and running so I can only imagine what will happen when I combine the two….

So Oreos…..

I used to believe that if you took apart an Oreo and the creme stayed on one side, you would get your wish…so I did just that and my luck has been good lately…I’m afraid it will run out so I eat an Oreo every day….I found out Lilly is going to be in the advanced pre k, then I found out that I got the job I wanted, and I had other good news….well for my birthday I know what I want….maybe it will happen…who knows…then today I applied for an apartment and I got it…my rent is ridiculous so I want to move…though ill miss this place. Who knows….

So I am wishing for happiness to come with my Oreo because I can’t remember the last time I blew out a candle for my birthday… I hope my knee gets better and I have a great school year.

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I believe that if you are a good person and you live your life to the fullest, good things will happen.. See I made popovers from scratch and in a hurry.sometimes if you just relax, things will happen!

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Que Feriez- Vous? What Would You Do?

La chose importante est de tendre vers un objectif qui n’est pas immédiatement visible. Cet objectif n’est pas la préoccupation de l’esprit, mais de l’esprit. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

The important thing is to strive towards a goal which is not immediately visible. That goal is not the concern of the mind, but of the spirit. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

me on bike

Excuse me.  It has been a while since I have written in French. I figured this would be something different to spice things up.

Excusez-moi. Il a été un moment depuis que j’ai écrite en français. J’ai pensée que ce serait quelque chose de différent pour pimenter les choses.

I haven’t been confessing much, so I figured I would mention that I studied French for a while.  I lived in France for a little while too.  I miss it.  Sometimes I feel like I am just lost here.  I remember the days where I would walk to school and pass over the Loire.  It was amazing.  I even had a bike.  It was a piece of crap, but it was fun to say I biked in France. 

I have been off from work all week and I have been sorting out things and consolidating so I can get ready for the school year.  I also have to decide by next Sunday if I am moving.  It is a hard decision for me to make because I am a single mom and it is a lot of work for me.  Moving sounds simple, but my knee has been bothering me and I have moved a lot.  Do you ever feel like you just don’t belong?  That is how I feel a lot.  I hate to admit it but I took those stupid quizzes on facebook to see where I belong and imaginez-vous????  I belong in a different century.  Quel Surprise!  C’est vrai de temps en temps.  Je pense que quelqu’un tres vieux.  I think like someone old-fashion…I am not sure how to translate that right so I did the best I could.

Okay moving on….I don’t really know why I am sharing all of this with you but I guess my point is that my knee has been keeping me from running so I have had a lot of time to think….c’est une catastrophe!  I should never think it is bad for the mind.  Ce n’ai pas bonne pour la santé.  It is not good for the soul.  I would like to tell you that I am happy…that  I am strong…but not today.  I think that it is normal to be fable…weak…maybe it is more worrisome to be strong all of the time…being weak shows I am only human.

The truth is…this sucks…I hate hate hate…not being able to run.  Running is the love of my life besides Lilly.  It is driving me crazy that I cannot do the one thing I love to do the most when Lilly is not here.  I cannot bike either because it is raining so much.  It is making me crazy!  I don’t really care for television and I am not a huge fan of the computer….but I guess I have loved running for so long it is hard to find something else to do.  On top of that I am on vacation from work and I cannot even plan.  I do not know where I am teaching and what I am teaching….

me on lI miss Lilly.  I miss running….you have no idea how stressful work is right now!!!!!!  When I am at the starting line…I think about all of the things that make me angry.  I am angry right now….because it sucks to be injured, alone, and uncertain of the future on many levels.  I think I belong in a different century because I don’t do well with this modern day stress.  I am too old fashion on many levels….

I wish I could go back and change from being a teacher to being an ambassador…I wonder why I was so afraid to take that leap…with languages under my belt, I think I could have been good…but now I will never know….

I haven’t ran this week…not sure if I can…I have biked 33 miles and it was great…but I need my running.  I think I will not make Boston and I am not sure I will be able to get past that…It is hard to have such a big goal and have it shattered…it would be easier if there were someone there to pick me up and say it will be alright…but I am looking down at Lilly…so I need to be strong….

So What Would You Do??????????  Try to Go For Boston or hope it is there for the taking next year?

A Moment of Thought

Originally posted on A Twin Thing:

“Dream as if you could do anything!”

ice cream

I am not sure what to write this week.  I did a little jogging and I went to see my family in Northern Maine…what a tiring drive.

It was a little sad to hear that Robin Williams died.  I remember how funny and smart he was.  I think it scares me a little that someone can be so talented and have so much to offer, but cannot go on living.  He also left behind a wife and some children.  It just goes to show you that depression is serious and it can happen to ANYONE!!!!!

I think we look up at these actors and professionals as if they are somehow super human.  I am sure at times it appears that way…but we are all just people, living out our lives and hoping to be happy.  It is clear that he was pretty good…

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Fifty Half Marathons

“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”
Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist    

me on horseYou might ask why I wanted to do 50 half marathons?  You might think this was something I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl, riding a horse.  I wish it were that simple.  The truth is I was not a runner.  I apologize for the length of this post, but I have a lot to say.  Why did I decide to do it? 

delaware canalI guess it started here.  This is half number 32.  If you have been following my posts, I randomly signed up for this race after I was dumped the week of Halloween.  I won’t go over the details but you can read about it in my previous posts. 

 

     I went to Pennsylvania and decided to run the Bucks County Delaware Canal Half Marathon.  When I received my medal, there was a heron on it.  It reminded me of my grandfather.  I felt like he was there in a sense and he would have been proud of me for finishing.  It was hard to run a race with a playlist of music that reminded me of a guy who felt I wasn’t good enough to break up with in person.  I am over him now, but it is hard when someone breaks your heart so easily.  I had a hard time running but it kept my mind off of life.  I was debating on telling you this, but the last hill was really tough on Saturday.  I guess I was just hot so maybe I was a little delirious.  I felt like I could hear Grandpa calling to me saying, “come on you can do it.  You have got this.  You are almost there.”  He had on his white shirt and glasses.  I guess I was just making it up because he loved to wear his red hat!

 

lilly frog hatThis is Lilly.  My friend, Christina Wall, took these.  You should have her take your pictures!!!!!  Moving on, Lilly is my life.

me and lillyI think you can agree that children are the resemblance of (for the most part lol) innocence. 

lilly and me a wreckI look awful in this picture.  I am still losing weight and I am not happy.  My marriage, was not happy.  I was miserable and I could not breathe.  He wasn’t nice to me and there is a lot that wasn’t ever right.  Our marriage was dead.  I will leave it at that.  I had to get out for Lilly. 

 

     I wanted Lilly all to myself, but unfortunately, it isn’t that easy in most cases.  I only get to see Lilly every other weekend and always on Wednesdays and Thursdays.  I guess you call it 50/50…though it doesn’t seem fair since I spent most of the time with her and he didn’t.   So I got out and running helps me keep my mind off of missing her!

 

me unhappy schoolThe truth is that I was that shy girl in school.  I didn’t have many friends and I worked hard to succeed.  I did not have much time to be active.  I was on the swim team and the track team.  I wasn’t very good and I don’t think people took me too seriously.  I was big into Foreign languages and Math.  I wanted to do something amazing with my life.  I traveled to Ireland and was hooked on travel.

 

shannon high schoolThis is my twin sister…this is her senior picture.  She was popular and everyone loved and still loves her.  I am sure she keeps in touch with a bunch of them.  There is a lot to like about my sister and I just wasn’t that outgoing.

me high schoolI am a good person and I think school was hard for me because my sister was so popular that people looked at me and wondered what happened.  I actually had a guy ask me once, “how can your twin be so pretty and you be so ugly?” I still regret to this day saying, “I don’t know.” 

 

I think this is why I became a teacher.  I remember how awful kids can be and how immature.  I could go on with the stories, but let’s just say there were nicknames and I gave up eating in the cafeteria because I could not stand people.  I am proud that I don’t care what they are all up to now in life.  I keep in touch with maybe three people from school.  Life is too short to waste it thinking about the people who never gave me a chance.

 

Why am I bringing it up?  It is totally relevant.  When life throws a pile of shit at you, you have to find a way to defeat it.  Running…running totally does it for me.

 

I went from being that shy, nerdy girl in school, to someone who could run.  It did not matter how fast I ran, it just mattered that it made me feel good and I kept doing it.  Every mile I ran was not easy.  If it ever felt easy, I was not pushing myself enough. 

 

my bikeBiking I could say the same but I have never really found my true love in life…and I may never…but I guess you could say running is the closest thing to it.

 

emotions of number 50When I was finishing my half marathon on Saturday, it was really hard because of my knee.  I feel pretty emotional in this picture because it was hard to not give up.  My knee is still bothering me, but had been feeling better.  I remembered all of the races I have been doing and all of the heart I put into logging the miles.  I like the saying on this medal, “Pain is temporary.  Pride is forever.”  I have felt a lot of pain over the years, especially the past few years.  Divorce is never an easy decision and no one can decide it for you.  I am glad I had support from my parents and I am proud to say Lilly loves me just the same, even more.  I was in a dark place for so long.  When your husband says he no longer finds you attractive and you do not hear the word “love,”  it is not a marriage.  You start to lose confidence in yourself.  I love Lilly with my whole heart and she is my world.  I had no confidence left and I was not treated like a human being.  It is nice to come home from work and not clean and not have to worry about dinner and if it is satisfactory.  It is nice that I do not have to wonder if he is drunk or high.  It is nice that I can just be free. 

 

     I chose to run these 18 races to reach 50 this year because when life sucks, it is good to have a positive goal.  Running is free therapy.  I am not allowed to move and Lilly has to attend FM school district.  I am free but I am also very much trapped for now.  I am often asked why I do races far away?  There is your answer. It makes me see the beauty in our country and even though I cannot move to these places, I can still enjoy them just as much.

 

we look coolThank you Rachel for running with me!  You are an amazing cousin and I hope I get to visit you in England and make you run a race.  I think the next goal may be to save up and do the 7 continents…Cross North America off the list!!!! 

 

I still want to run the Boston Marathon.  I am hoping my knee feels better and I can make it but I am just trying to enjoy life.

my poor kneestupid knee…good thing tape solves all problems.

 

I am also laughing about it now.  I got to Rachel’s house at 7:30.  My car didn’t have the visitor pass on it because it was closed at the office so I figured whatever.  So we went to the race in Rachel’s car and then showered.  We went out to eat and got coffee.  I realized my car wasn’t there and we had to track it down.  It was towed at 1:15…I think it is ridiculous that it got towed because the office was closed so it was impossible to get a pass.  I couldn’t even get ahold of them to get another pass so we had to park my car at Rachel’s work so I would not get towed again.  It cost 275$ to get the car back.  What a load of SHIT!

mypoor car

I am sad that my goal has been reached more than I am happy.  Fifty half marathons was a big accomplishment for this small town girl!  I know you can do anything with a little determination.  I need to keep reaching for my dreams to maintain a positive life.  I think this was great.  I have to be honest and confess that I was in a dark mindset for a little while in life and it is good to not be depressed. 

 

I still get sad that there are so many people who come out and watch their loved ones race but I have met a lot of great people along the way and I am glad that I have had some relatives come see me.

 

number 50My once empty rack is now full.  It is time to get another medal holder.

 

I had to defer the Marine Corps Marathon because of my knee and I have dropped out of Pacing the Rochester Half Marathon and the Wine Glass Half Marathon.  I know that I reached my goal, but I also realize Boston will never be possible if I do not let my knee heal.  Duct tape is a good idea, but it is not a solution!  I hope that  I can run soon because I truly enjoy every minute of it!

 

     Besides running my 50th half marathon, my goal was to gain confidence and “fall in love” with myself.  I think that I am not 100% there to be honest, but I have gained a lot of confidence.

    I think it is hard that I am just naturally skinny now.  I love to run so it is hard to put on weight but I love to eat.  I think I am also to be honest, wishing I had a bigger ummmm chest.  I guess I did not wish enough when I was a kid.  I have to tell you something funny.  I saw my ex boyfriend one day and he questioned if I was pregnant (real nice)!  I said I wasn’t and wondered why he would ask.  He said because my chest looked bigger.  I said, “He must have wished for me to get bigger breasts but his wish only came true because he dumped me.”  I think that was pretty funny! 

 

So without further ado or some saying like that, I wanted to share some pictures that have made me feel really confident.  I can still be surprisingly shy…I don’t think people realize just how nervous I get but when I talk a lot sometimes it is because I am really nervous…I have worked hard on it…but I feel like I have come a longggggggg way from being that scared, nerdy girl! 

 

me1 Christina took these too by the way!!!!!!!!  She is amazing!

 

 

me2

Checklist:

50 half marathons DONE!!!!!!!!!!

Confidence- Gained!!!!!!!!!

 

What is next:  7 Continents, enjoy cycling and do some bike races!

Big Goals:  Overcome my hydrophobia and do a half and full ironman

For now:  Duathlons baby!!!!  Challenge New Albany

 

                                      QUALIFY FOR BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Confession:  I want to take dancing or to go dancing…

 

 

 

 

Ben Moore Memorial Half Marathon #50/#18!!!!

ben moore bib and medal

“Pain is temporary…Pride lasts forever.”

On Saturday, I finished my 50th half marathon.  I choose to run the Ben Moore Memorial half marathon in Annapolis, MD.  My cousin, Rachel, lives in Annapolis…When I realized this would be my 50th half I wanted to have Rachel with me.  This was our third half marathon. 

 

It was definitely a roasty one with a lot of hills!!!!

ben moore time ben moore elevation ben moore paceI finished in 1:57 but it was only because I really had to use the bathroom…I am not going to lie.  I was having trouble at the beginning of the race because of my knee.  I wanted to just do the 10k but there were so many emotions going through my mind knowing this was my shot at number 50.  I decided to stick it out…however, there were no bathrooms along the course (porta johns I mean).  I had to start going faster so I could get the idea out of my head.  However, I decided to give in and ran into the bushes at about mile 8.  Oops!!!!

 

rachyRachel did awesome!!!!!!  She was really busting it out there and she loved the hills.  She wishes there had been more ha ha ha !!!!!

 

rachel earShe was getting really hungry I think…ha ha  But we had a great time and we were looking forward to our pretzels from the British restaurant I think called ???  Union Jacks?

 

rachel katie Rachel is so good at the jump flash photography but it was clearly an epic fail for me…I can’t believe I am showing you this picture of me!

ben moore medalI liked the medal.  Ben Moore was a marine and a member of the Anne Arundel County Auxiliary for 20 years.  The proceeds went to the police!

eating medalsAlso making a guest appearance to cross of state number 10 in her 11th half marathon was Miss Jessica Feiden!!!!  Go Jessica!!!!  Jessica had a great time and just loved the hills too!  I am being sarcastic.  This race reminded me of the Syracuse Mountain Goat.  This was rather hilly, especially at the mile 12 marker…where it went uphill for quite a while.

 

eating our ben medalsI had to do that classic cliché photo where we eat our bling…sorry I made you girls play along!

And finally, here is my lovely, post race picture….finishing my 50th half marathon.

50This was a great race, though my knee officially wants some time off.  I am not sure where to go from here…but I will give it some thought.  I was a little sad that I did not end up with bib number 50, but it is not the end of the world!!!!!

Thanks for the great race and all of the volunteers!!!!!

 

 

 

 

From Start to Finish…Counting down to Half Number 50!

Originally posted on A Twin Thing:

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”
Ashley Smith

travel quote

This seemed the most fitting to start off with. 

 

     It is hard to believe that this all started on June 14, 2009.  I remember running my first two miles in a row at the Trillium Gym in East Syracuse with my friend Gina Moore at the gym.  I was so excited I think I almost fell off the treadmill.  I set my goal right then and there to run a half marathon.  I remembered hearing about how “Katie” ran a half…and that Katie wouldn’t run with me.  I was told that I might not have the “runner” type body…I think that made me angry enough that I was not…

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