I feel like Cat Lady tonight. I wish I could believe there is someone out there other than family who is thinking about me…I do not believe it. If they are they are crazy or something.
I should be writing this under my depressing blog about loving myself, but I am blaming this all on the weather. This season sucks and I am tired of getting left inside to face the dreadmill when it is sunny out. This temperature is so deceiving. It is perfectly sunny. Then you go outside and the windchill is -14…Are you friggan kidding me? So the Tipp Hill Shamrock run is this weekend in Syracuse. I am all excited and I find out it is supposed to be 30 out. Everyone is all excited that it will be this “hot” in Syracuse. Screw that! I refuse to settle for 30…when you get to the stage in the season where you are excited over the double digit numbers, you start to question your sanity. I feel like I am getting heavier because I am so drained and it is so cold. I look like a pale, bag lady. So something had to be done. I know that the Tipp Hill Run would be fun and I said I was not going to do it and then changed my mind…but since I am bag lady and I have nothing to do after the race and it doesn’t start until 11, I bagged it. Why? Well, since I am single I do not have anything else to do and I found a race in a warmer area. Call me crazy, or just call me Beth. I am going someplace where the temperature might actually hit 50. I will probably die of heat stroke, but at least I will die warm.
My 18 half marathon goal is going to start a day earlier. I found an inexpensive half marathon in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania. I missed the part where it said “rolling hills,” but I love hills. I do not care how I do because I will be warm and happy. I will probably get too warm. I will also be completing my Strava Monthly challenge. I have to run a 10k and a half marathon in the month of March…ohhhhhhhhh I hope I can do it. It sounds so far for me to run….not.
The shoes I posted are brand new. My Green Silence Shoes were discontinued and I have been living off my extra pairs but they have come to their end in life… RIP Green Silence. I am trying Brooks Pure Connect 2. This is the older version of the Connect. I tried out the Cadence but I was not a huge fan because they feel like cement blocks compared to my Green Silence. I just tried my connect out today and I liked the light feel for them…maybe they could be me new best friend.
So new shoes? New race to run Saturday? Reaching my goals? Why am I so down this week just because of the bad weather?
As you all know, I have to share my daughter with my ex husband. Before we were divorced, I was never away from her. Now, I do not have her all the time. Some people say that this can be a good way for me to get out and run and meet new people. Yes, I get to run, but I did before. I went to the gym with Lilly and a lot of places have a program for children to participate in while you run. I have not met a bunch of new people. I do not know if it is my lack of motivation to go out by myself and try to meet someone or that there just are not enough people out there who want to date. Who want to date a single mom?
Ha I can figure out if people read this or not…So work…I go to work and I run around in all these different rooms. I have some great times and some times where I just feel like if I disappeared maybe only one or two people would notice.
I wasn’t at work Friday. I had an appointment to go to. I feel bad when I am not at work but it is out of my control sometimes and I would rather not go into detail. If I have to be out Lilly might be sick. I had a tumor removed once and had another scare this year. If I have to go to a meeting with a lawyer, it is when it works for the lawyer; not when I have to teach…but it isn’t a bad thing. I promise I have never been in trouble by the law. It is divorce. So my point is I hate feeling guilty for not being at work. One day, Lilly was throwing up and I was and I did not go to work but I still went in to give the papers to the teachers. I guess I feel “judged” for not being there but I have a ton of sick days…more than 40 and if we are not supposed to take sick days or personal days, then why do they give them to me? If you do not use them by the time you retire, you can “trade them” for some small amount of money. I would rather stay at home throwing up.
Sometimes I feel like I talk too much. I do not think people realize that when I get out of work I do not talk to anyone else for the rest of the day. Sorry to say, but I do not talk to my cats. They hide or play and it doesn’t usually include communication. I do not speak, “meow.”
If I talk too much, I feel like people find me annoying. I have noticed that there is not a huge line of people wanting to hang out with me at work. I realize this isn’t really a running topic, but it really does connect…just like my shoes. I am not Catholic. I do not need to participate in Lent, but I did go to a Catholic College and I do think it is healthy to give up things. I have cut down on alcohol a lot. I have been trying to cut down on the internet…I will get there…but I need to stop trying. I am tired of wanting to be a part of the social life because it just isn’t happening. I have to face the fact that I am 33 years old and the new girls at school do not want to hang out with a divorced, older, lady who has a three year old. They can be nice and deny it, but it is completely understandable. It still sucks. I feel like everyone around me is going out and enjoying life. I am trying to do that with my running…but when does the good part come?
Where this all connects?
I truly hope and dream that this works. Somewhere along the way I hope to find myself. I know I am getting stronger. I know I am a good mom…I know this will help me feel good…but I look forward to the evenings when I can talk to other adults. I refuse to do online dating because I want to be found. I am tired of searching. If it doesn’t find me, I want to reach that place in life where I am truly happy. I want to know that I am a good person and I have a beautiful soul.
So my lent goal is to stop trying so hard and just focus on work. I know my job is to teach, but it feels nice to just hang out during break and outside of work. I feel like the Holiday Party is the only thing I would actually be invited to because it is for all staff and they announce it. I can’t remember the last time I was actually invited.
Please don’t think I sound pathetic either…I am not whining…I am just realizing everyone around me is getting younger and I am getting older. Do people in their early thirties not exist anymore?
Have a good night…I ran a wow of a 1.5 miles tonight on the treadmill. I will definitely die this weekend…at least the cats will miss me…or their food.