The Road Unknown

We can’t be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don’t have something better.
C. JoyBell C.

 

Today I took the day off from my love of running.  I went out to breakfast in Annapolis and soaked up the morning sun.  I had a great time with my little cousin and her boyfriend!  I had French toast with crusted pecans and it was wonderful.  Then, my cousin and I said good bye to Maryland and ventured to Delaware. Her parents (my auntie and uncle) live there.  We had a nice dinner with plenty of food.  I was thankful to have Easter with family.  Today was definitely not an easy day.

 

Somewhere in the middle of all my sadness I made this crazy goal.  I keep talking about it but this is what it is all about.  When you get thrown these crazy, crappy, I dare say completely shitty curve balls in life, you have to figure out a way to stay afloat and breathe.  

 

Today is a day with much meaning.  It is Easter, Lilly’s birthday, but also another important date in my life.  Not to overshare but I left.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  I couldn’t live the life I was living.  Lilly was young enough and I am thankful for that.  I have never thought of myself as someone who is strong but that was the hardest thing I have ever done.  You might think leaving on her birthday makes me a terrible person but she went with me and I did it for her.  I have to be the best mother in the world and this is what I needed to do to make sure it would happen.  

 

Why leave?  I wasn’t a wife.  I wasn’t a person.  There is so much more to it you may question, but life is all about living and I just wasn’t.  If anything, I hope that he has become a better dad from this situation.  When your friends all consider you a single mother and question the way your husband treats you, you begin to see the bigger picture.  My job is to inspire people and teach children to fight for their future.  So I needed to fight for mine.  It wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t simple where I jus said that I am done and walked out the door.  I wish life were that simple.  It’s been two years and although it is hard at times, I feel like I have my life back.

 

I am not completely free in many senses and I do not get to see Lilly every day but we enjoy every minute together.  She is young now, but I hope she grows up to be my best friend!  I think we have a great bond already!

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I remember running just to get away.  I have been feeling really slow this year and I know it is because I am lonely, but I wonder if a part of it is because I don’t have to run anymore?  I shouldn’t analyze it but I can’t help it.  

 

So I have this goal and it is completely ridiculous.  I officially kicked it off in March with the Chambersburg Half Marathon.  Why March people ask?  I know races can cost a lot but I make sure I have a lot taken out so I get taxes back.  I certainly do not have a lot of money so I thought this all out. In case you have been questioning my vast sums of money I’m not afraid to admit I do not have it!

 

So 18 half marathons to make it to my 50th half marathon.  I’m at number 39 and I am feeling strong physically, but I need to drop weight, strengthen my muscles and upper body, and get some speed!!!!

Mentally it is a giant battle!!!

It is really strange.  Through all this running, I have gained some self confidence…even after falling of my bike and on my face in races.  There is this girl inside me I do not think I have seen in a long time….not to sound crazy when I refer to myself.  

 

Even though I feel like a baked ham is stuck to me when I run (and for the record, I want to lose weight for speed)…. I am a size 0 so I’m not fat!!!! 

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I keep meeting all these really really neat people.  I am not usually outgoing and ready to talk to strangers… But most runners are just pretty awesome like that.  I met a girl who gets kidney stones and has a lot of health problems… She was running yesterday.  I met a sweet couple from Virginia, who saved me from taking a selfie yesterday.  I met some navy guys from Norfolk, just running for the hell of it….and it was all put on by rival high school sports teams wanting to save their sports!  This whole experience has taught me just how great people are!  

 

When I tell people why I am running a race 5 hours from home they think I am completely crazy!  Maybe I am crazy or maybe I am determined…maybe both.  I feel confident that I can get to my goal of 18 half marathons.  

 

Someone told me to think about what this will do to me years from now.  I get it but I can’t think that far ahead because I want to enjoy the now!  I want to be that strong girl, who can accomplish anything.  I want to finish my half marathons and make it to Boston even if I have to do it through charity. 

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But something is missing…. I go through this over and over again but it isn’t just about that lonely finish.  I know people are rooting for me in their thoughts.  I want to have that moment…. I want that moment I see all the time that makes me so happy….

 

I want to be that sweaty, tired girl, who finishes a race…. But she doesn’t grab her water bottle and disappear off to the silent side somewhere…. I want to be that girl who has someone surprising or just waiting for her at the finish line to kiss her and tell her how proud he is of her.  I don’t care if I have done 39 marathons.  I have never had that moment.  I’ve won four races and never had that moment where you break the tape…. But I don’t care about that.  I want my happy ending!!!!

I can do these races and my goal is to get better…. But none of it would matter after that moment.  I have learned through all of these races that it isn’t just about crossing the finish line!  I’d give up every race after that moment because no other race could ever measure up to that moment.  

Good night and I hope you had a great Easter!  I’m up early to run and bike!!!! Back to training 🙂Image

 

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3 thoughts on “The Road Unknown”

  1. Thank you for sharing this.
    You know.. it really doesn’t matter what people think, about you leaving on her birthday, about where you’ll be in a few years, about if you are crazy for running a race 5 hours from home.. these are your decisions to make, from the littlest to the largest. Keep thinking of your daughter’s and your own well being and happiness, and you’ll do great.
    Good things will come!

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