“One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.” -William Feather
I look at Lilly every time I see her and I am proud of what a great little girl she is. She is truly wonderful and she is innocent in every way…I love when she tells me she misses me and I get excited that she asks to go to the playground of for a jog with mommy. I hope to buy a tent and take her camping this summer too. I want her to be one of those race kids out there who loves hiking and just plain fun outside. I hate television, video games and all that technology has done to the younger generations. It is funny that no one seems to write in cursive anymore and we do not have to teach it. What is happening?
I went for a run on Tuesday at 5:30 in the morning and it is my new adventure. I enjoy running into deer and other rodents around the neighborhood. It is a beautiful course. I love running by the creeks and on the quiet hills. I wish I could do this every day…just get lost in the woods.
I am enjoying my time out in Manlius, but it is taking its toll. I have a commute to work, but that is not the problem. I feel trapped. I would love to buy a house or be able to move. I have given up a lot and I always thought that when you got divorced, it meant getting your freedom back…it doesn’t. I no longer feel owned or afraid, but I feel trapped. Racing all these places is my escape and a chance to feel truly free…but then I have to go back. Truth is, I would probably never move away from here, but I would like to live in Chittenango or some place where I feel more at home. I like Manlius, but I want a house and my own little back yard. I want a garden and maybe a swinging chair. I want Lilly to have a swing set. I want to be free.
I am completely happy when I run. Look at me at mile 11…or 12…It is like I am full of life.
Before I know it, Lilly will be old enough to drive and I will realize life has been passing by me slowly.
I want it to slow down. It is going by too fast and she is already four. I cannot believe it. I do not know what to think or do. I do not know what to say.
This is Lilly and Hoser. I miss Hoser so much. Hoser was like a child to me and I do not get to see him anymore. You have no idea what that feels like. It is painful.
Throwback Thursday- “The Prime Time Crime.” 1996
I grew up in a small town. I was quiet and I liked to help out around the house. I had glasses and crooked teeth. When I got older I was in drama club and I had a job…but I was never noticed. The more I started to act in school, the more I came to life. I was a good girl and I got good grades. When I went to College, sure I had those stupid moments, but I was a good student. I worked and went to class all of the time. I wanted to succeed. I got my first teaching job in Watertown and I went to graduate school. I did not really date much and I never went out. When I got married I drank more and I have made it a point to cut down and have stopped drinking. I try to run and live life to the fullest….but this is the hard part. I feel invisible most days. I feel let down. How am I supposed to tell Lilly that great things will happen and she will have an amazing time in life if she is determined? I feel like I have been pretty good, but those great moments in life just haven’t happened.
Confession Friday- I am afraid of dying before I get my happy ending….
I need to keep having these great races and nice bike rides….but sometimes I am tired of being strong….I should have been stronger…I should have fought for the house or for furniture…have you ever taken the poverty quiz where it asks if you could pack and move in 24 hours…I did…there are things I will always miss and never see again…but life is more important…Work has taken its toll too…I feel invisible there too…I want to be noticed and I do when I run.
I want my happy ending….I want my life to be a great adventure…