Weekend Detour

It would not be at all strange if history came to the conclusion that the perfection of the bicycle was the greatest incident of the nineteenth century. ~Author Unknown

 

    
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This weekend was far from going as planned.   On Wednesday, I booked a hotel in New Jersey so that I could run the 1/2 Sauer 1/2 Kraut in Philadelphia at the Pennypack Park. After finishing my race, I would then drive to the Creek Campgrounds in Rosaline, NY.  I would camp overnight and go to the half marathon in New Paltz, NY.  It was a trail half marathon.  It sounded like the perfect weekend for a girl with a lot of hopes and passion for running.  That girl is me, but I wasn’t myself this weekend.  It happens in life and sometimes you just have to stop, breathe, and take the detour.  It was not easy, but I had to do it.  Do I have any regrets?  Sure I wish I could have gone to those amazing places, but it just was not meant to be this weekend.  Maybe if it is in the cards, I can go next year.  I have missed races, but I have never missed two in a row.  I am sure you are wondering why I would throw all of my plans out the window and just stay home.  I wish it were as simple as a minor cold…but it isn’t. 

 

     I am trying to find a way to sum this up without bringing too much drama.  I am not perfect and I am not the best with communication.  I think that my ex husband ruined it a little for me.  I got to the point where I cannot take the yelling.  I start to shake and hyperventilate.  It is scary.  I do not know how to deal with it.  I went to see someone about it before and I had to work on my breathing.  I am not ashamed of it.  If you are with someone who yells and swears and makes you feel so low in life, it is hard to move on and hear the loud noises.  I think that is why I seem to do well at work because I do not yell and I can get the children to listen to me.  That is not easy in first grade.

 

     I have a student teacher and I have had one the past three years.  I am not a person who likes to lead and I try to be laid back and do the best job I can.  I do not know if my student teacher was unhappy.  I do not know all of the details.  I just know that I had some trouble finding her and she was going to get observed on Wednesday so I had to help her out.  She was going to be teaching content and her small ESL group.  I was excited for her to get done with her two observations and move along.  She is done this coming Thursday.  She wanted to teach content and the other teacher did not want her to because of SLOs.  My student teacher talked her into it.  I thought she was going to be with the student teacher and I was supposed to watch the other teacher’s class.  Everything was fine.  I was with the kids watching a movie and my student teacher was in the room teaching content.  Another teacher stuck his head in and didn’t say anything.  Come to find out my student teacher was alone and I misunderstood.  The teacher had taken some kids to do SLOs and my student teacher was teaching and I didn’t think this was a bad thing.  She is getting her graduate degree and is a certified teacher already.  She is also a substitute in the district and has been at some pretty bad schools.  In a way, I was proud of her for taking on this role.  I guess the one teacher yelled at the other teacher for leaving her alone.  I felt bad about the whole situation and it really was a misunderstanding.

 

My student teacher was not happy because the kids were terrible.  I told her I wish that she would have let me know or the other teacher.  I apologized because this really was just a mix up but I was just in the next room.  She should have brought the kids or sent someone with a note.  I was a little mad at the other teacher, but I could see what she was doing and slos are very important.  I decided to talk to the teacher after school and we had a good talk.  We wanted to talk to the student teacher and just make sure if she ever has a problem she comes to us about it.  We are here to help her and help her succeed. 

 

I gave her supervisor a heads up that we just wanted to talk to her to make sure she knows she can come to me and that I am here to help her.  She accused the teacher of attacking her and I did not think that was fair.  My co teacher can be a little uptight, but she is a great gale and she meant well.  My student teacher was upset.  Later, I went to the ESL room and she must have told them or they were psychic because the teachers knew we had talked to her.  At first they did not say anything.  Then the one girl started saying I was horrible and she is sad because I am giving this girl a horrible student teaching experience.  I should not have had this meeting with her because she was getting observed.  I felt like a pile of shit.  If you knew me, you would know I was just reaching out to the poor girl to make sure she was alright and that she had a good experience.  I was not out to sabotage her or make her feel horrible.  I even told her she could come in late in the morning as long as she had her work done.  The other girl didn’t say much just that the timing could have been better.  I agree.  I know that my co teacher was persistent about talking to her.  I confessed that I did not want a student teacher because of the time of year.  So the girl asked why I had one then.  It is hard to find placements and it was so hard one teacher has two student teachers.  It is not easy.  I have so much testing from April until June that it is a circus.  The kids are also excited and ready for summer.  I feel bad for the student teacher.  It isn’t that I do not want one.  In fact, I do not get anything for it.  I do not think people realize that.  I had a bunch of practicum students this year too and was trying to convince them all to become ESL teachers.

 

Moving on, I had another talk with my student teacher and told her that I was sorry she felt this way.  I think she was more afraid of the other teacher.  The ESL teacher said she wished that I would have protected her from the teacher.  I guess I did not see her as threatening but maybe because I have known her she didn’t see the same person.  My co teacher has helped me a lot this year and she has a tough class.  She was also my student teacher last year and I helped get her a job.  I promise I try to be a good person.

 

I thought this was all water under the bridge.  I wanted to move on.  We had only eleven days left of school.  We were going to the zoo the next day and we were all excited.  The girls even had their parents and siblings coming in to help with the trip.

 

At about 9:30 I got a text saying that we were having a meeting and that I needed to be there.  I asked what it was about and they did not say.  I assumed the zoo but I have a confession.  I have this most bizarre intuition that tells me things.  I was feeling it.  Every inch of me felt like I should not go to this meeting.  I did not want to skip the meeting, but I just had that feeling.  I inquired about it and wanted to know.  No one knew.  I invited the teacher from upstairs because she is part of first grade too.  Iwanted to belate in every way but I was there on time.  My body was nervous.  I was fidgeting when I walked into the room with the teachers.  There were two ESL teachers, all of grade one and myself…well there was one teacher missing because she was late. 

 

The male teacher said he would get to the zoo, but first a few things.  I just knew it.  He ripped into my co teacher and me about the student teacher.  We both told him we talked about it already and we put it behind us.  That this happened yesterday and we apologized to the girl and I told the supervisor.  The supervisor was happy she was alone because she is already going to be teaching fourth grade and she needs the experience of being left alone…no matter what.  The male teacher said we should have known better…etc…that if something were to have happened….I thought my co teacher did a great job of handling it.  He tried to talk about the other co teacher but she had nothing to do with it.  The ESL teacher just mentioned that the timing could have been better and we again apologized.  Everything was honestly bad timing. 

 

The teacher said he felt left out all year.  He talked about the 93q event where they came and read.  I felt bad because I was only supposed to pick one class.  I talked my principal into two…again, I won’t have them come in and read if I know it is a big problem but this happened in October.  Then he went on to talk about me servicing his kids and being late.  I tried to tell him that I have hall duty until 9 and sometimes I have to go to the bathroom or stop by my room.  Then it is 9:05.  He is right.  He tried saying I leave at 9:30 but I promise that is only if I need to go to the bathroom or to the other girl’s class.  The truth is he is a good teacher and he is fine on his own and his ESL students are amazing and so smart.  I just support and hand out papers.  Honestly, I feel like I co teach more in the one teacher’s classroom out of all of them.  It is hard to be in so many rooms.  I felt bad though because I had actually talked to the reading teacher before the meeting about how I had so much testing it felt like I was never in his room.  He went on to badger me but no one defended me.  I helped out the girls when they were observed.  I helped them out with so much, especially the girl who had been my student teacher.  It was interesting that he felt left out because I did too.  I had an argument with the one girl earlier about how when I was testing no one told me about the Easter Egg Hunt.  I am in my room doing paper work sometimes or getting ready for the testing.  No one told me.  Also, I have subbed a lot this year and helped out.  I just wish he hadn’t said that if we went to administration things would get ugly.  That is not what I want to happen because I actually liked working with this person.  Perhaps the worst thing I did was to say I could not take it and walk out of the room crying. 

 

I could not come back.  I had the worst headache and I felt bad all around.  I felt bad he yelled at the girls and me.  I felt bad for him for feeling left out.  I felt bad because no one stuck up for me. It gets worse.  I could not go on the field trip because I was too upset.  I am not strong sometimes.  I get a text saying conversations need to be had and I need to listen to what these girls have to say.  I need to talk to the girls and Jesus.  I do not understand.  It is like I feel attacked.  Not only do I feel attacked but I feel defensive because I too will have to bring up stuff that bothers me.  I will have to mention that there are things that did not go well for me.  I do not want to do that and why is this all being lashed out at the end of the school year?  The funny thing is I could just leave it all and move on because I want to and have already asked to go up to third grade.  I do not know why I just leave it and move on but I felt like these were my girls and I am afraid to ask what is wrong.  I am hoping that it is the feeling that if I have a problem I just need to confront them.  I need to tell them but I am not someone who wants to cause drama. 

 

So I am faced with this and could use your help.  I did not want to involve administration but I cannot take yelling.  If there is an administrator there then nothing gets twisted.  She is the neutral party.  She only got involved because she heard me crying.  This school is my home and I want to stay.  I love teaching there and hope that these people realize I am a good person.  So I am having a meeting with the male teacher and administration because I cannot take the yelling.  I know he will not be happy but I am hoping he hears what I have to say and realizes I actually liked working with him and felt left out too.  I am meeting with administration and the two ESL teachers to clear up the student teacher situation once and for all and tell them that my co teacher is not as scary as people make her out to be.  Here is what I need help with.  The two co teachers want to meet without administration.  I did not want to do this because I want to not be attacked and I want to have a good rest of the school year.  Like I said, I am hoping it is about communication and they will not lash out at me but I am wondering if meeting with two girls alone is a good idea?  They promised they would not be mean and still want to be my friend and don’t hate me…but I do not know if I can take this….

 

I was beyond depressed this weekend.  I had to miss work Friday and just be by myself…safe.  I also had the worst migraine from the yelling and crying.  I was so sick.  I know hiding is not the best way to solve problems in life and I need to work on it.  I am a very, extremely sensitive person and perhaps that is why I am single.  I have felt lonely most of my life and I am not good with loud voices and do not think a man should yell at a woman.  I am so old fashioned.  I try to live by example and want everyone to get along.  I am such a sucker.  I want to believe I can make it through these last nine days of work in one piece and that life will go on and they will not hate me.  I should not care so much what they think but I try to be a good person in life.

 

So I went to the store and got my new bike.  I needed it and I decided it was time to take a detour.  I did not think I cared much for driving to Philly and doing a half marathon when I just bought a new road bike.  I took it for a nice ride on Saturday. 
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I went 31 miles and it was wonderful.  I have to admit my shoulder hurt and my foot went numb.  I have to have that fixed. 
specialbike2Then I was going to go to New Paltz for Sunday and camp.  I decided to detour that.  I made grilled cheese and tomato soup.  I watched North and South, which is a completely depressing and happy movie in Britain.  I loved it and then I went to bed.  I considered running an 8k but I decided to sleep in and just be refreshed. 

 

Today, I went to my relative’s house in Oneida and went for a 40 mile bike ride.  I went to Munnsville, where there is a cemetery hidden for our family.  My dad’s side had lived there since the 1700’s.  On a side note a teacher I used to work with, her ancestor was my ancestor’s neighbor.  Small world isn’t it?  Then I went to Morrisville.  My mom worked there for 11 years with my dad’s cousin and relative.  They set my parents up on a blind date at the Captains Lounge or Quarters..Don’t remember the last name.  My dad proposed two weeks later and they have been married for 36 years.  Crazy stuff…It is Father’s Day so I figured I would live down his memory lane a little bit and then I called him to tell him about it.  He thought I was nuts for biking to Morrisville because of the crazy hill there. 

 

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On my way home, I decided to get lost in one of my favorite places.  I love the Erie Canal and it is nice to go to it in Chittenango because no one goes there.  I saw a lot of people on horses and wanted to share a picture, but did not want to spook the horses.  I also saw a lot of huge fish.  The one fish was so big it jumped out of the water and tried to get a fly.  I thought it was the size of a salmon.  I wonder what kind of fish are in there besides sunfish and trout.  Any idea? 
specialrun I saw young couples, boys fishing, people whispering, a person walking a dog.  I love the canal.  It makes me forget about work and often wonder if I need to do something else in life. I am tired of being normal. I want to be different and do something where I make a difference. I do not feel like I do at work, except to the kids. It is nice to see so many people enjoying the outdoors. 

 

What is your ideal date or what was the best date you ever went on?

 

IF I could spend time with a guy, I would love to go for a walk along the canal.  I know I talk a lot but not there.  It is my solitude…my serenity.  I would love to just get lost there and then sit under the stars and listen to the animals at night.  It sounds absolutely perfect.  I think I will think about this tomorrow. 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Weekend Detour”

  1. Great workouts!! Way to work out your emotions and have some thrilling rides!! Hope you’re feeling better!! XOXO!!!
    I love your ideal date!! Sounds amazing!!
    Mine? Hmm, picking up a whole bunch of yummy food and going to the beach and sitting on the sand while eating and watching the beautiful ocean waves.

  2. That sounds wonderful…I should have squeezed food into my date…maybe some fresh fruit or something he brings and surprises me with. I am different from most girls…I am not a huge chocolate person and I quit drinking. The beach is nice too but the canal is so quiet and it is just nice to get lost and listen to all of the animals…I loveeeeeee the canal…if you ever get to NY you will have to go
    …I just hope my perfect date happens…I am starting to feel older.

  3. That’s a lot of work stress. Especially since all of this has been building up for so long. There is no shame in taking some time to relax and get your emotions sorted out. There is no shame in getting professional help to work out your anxieties and learn efficient coping mechanisms. Hope your upcoming weeks are bright. Keep on trucking.

    1. Thanks…today was a better day and I started off by seeing some of my old students. It was nice to feel loved by them and people asked how I was. If you haven’t been in my shoes it is hard to imagine what it was like. I have come a long long way and I’m getting there…it is just hard to do it alone

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