“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist
You might ask why I wanted to do 50 half marathons? You might think this was something I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl, riding a horse. I wish it were that simple. The truth is I was not a runner. I apologize for the length of this post, but I have a lot to say. Why did I decide to do it?
I guess it started here. This is half number 32. If you have been following my posts, I randomly signed up for this race after I was dumped the week of Halloween. I won’t go over the details but you can read about it in my previous posts.
I went to Pennsylvania and decided to run the Bucks County Delaware Canal Half Marathon. When I received my medal, there was a heron on it. It reminded me of my grandfather. I felt like he was there in a sense and he would have been proud of me for finishing. It was hard to run a race with a playlist of music that reminded me of a guy who felt I wasn’t good enough to break up with in person. I am over him now, but it is hard when someone breaks your heart so easily. I had a hard time running but it kept my mind off of life. I was debating on telling you this, but the last hill was really tough on Saturday. I guess I was just hot so maybe I was a little delirious. I felt like I could hear Grandpa calling to me saying, “come on you can do it. You have got this. You are almost there.” He had on his white shirt and glasses. I guess I was just making it up because he loved to wear his red hat!
This is Lilly. My friend, Christina Wall, took these. You should have her take your pictures!!!!! Moving on, Lilly is my life.
I think you can agree that children are the resemblance of (for the most part lol) innocence.
I look awful in this picture. I am still losing weight and I am not happy. My marriage, was not happy. I was miserable and I could not breathe. He wasn’t nice to me and there is a lot that wasn’t ever right. Our marriage was dead. I will leave it at that. I had to get out for Lilly.
I wanted Lilly all to myself, but unfortunately, it isn’t that easy in most cases. I only get to see Lilly every other weekend and always on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I guess you call it 50/50…though it doesn’t seem fair since I spent most of the time with her and he didn’t. So I got out and running helps me keep my mind off of missing her!
The truth is that I was that shy girl in school. I didn’t have many friends and I worked hard to succeed. I did not have much time to be active. I was on the swim team and the track team. I wasn’t very good and I don’t think people took me too seriously. I was big into Foreign languages and Math. I wanted to do something amazing with my life. I traveled to Ireland and was hooked on travel.
This is my twin sister…this is her senior picture. She was popular and everyone loved and still loves her. I am sure she keeps in touch with a bunch of them. There is a lot to like about my sister and I just wasn’t that outgoing.
I am a good person and I think school was hard for me because my sister was so popular that people looked at me and wondered what happened. I actually had a guy ask me once, “how can your twin be so pretty and you be so ugly?” I still regret to this day saying, “I don’t know.”
I think this is why I became a teacher. I remember how awful kids can be and how immature. I could go on with the stories, but let’s just say there were nicknames and I gave up eating in the cafeteria because I could not stand people. I am proud that I don’t care what they are all up to now in life. I keep in touch with maybe three people from school. Life is too short to waste it thinking about the people who never gave me a chance.
Why am I bringing it up? It is totally relevant. When life throws a pile of shit at you, you have to find a way to defeat it. Running…running totally does it for me.
I went from being that shy, nerdy girl in school, to someone who could run. It did not matter how fast I ran, it just mattered that it made me feel good and I kept doing it. Every mile I ran was not easy. If it ever felt easy, I was not pushing myself enough.
Biking I could say the same but I have never really found my true love in life…and I may never…but I guess you could say running is the closest thing to it.
When I was finishing my half marathon on Saturday, it was really hard because of my knee. I feel pretty emotional in this picture because it was hard to not give up. My knee is still bothering me, but had been feeling better. I remembered all of the races I have been doing and all of the heart I put into logging the miles. I like the saying on this medal, “Pain is temporary. Pride is forever.” I have felt a lot of pain over the years, especially the past few years. Divorce is never an easy decision and no one can decide it for you. I am glad I had support from my parents and I am proud to say Lilly loves me just the same, even more. I was in a dark place for so long. When your husband says he no longer finds you attractive and you do not hear the word “love,” it is not a marriage. You start to lose confidence in yourself. I love Lilly with my whole heart and she is my world. I had no confidence left and I was not treated like a human being. It is nice to come home from work and not clean and not have to worry about dinner and if it is satisfactory. It is nice that I do not have to wonder if he is drunk or high. It is nice that I can just be free.
I chose to run these 18 races to reach 50 this year because when life sucks, it is good to have a positive goal. Running is free therapy. I am not allowed to move and Lilly has to attend FM school district. I am free but I am also very much trapped for now. I am often asked why I do races far away? There is your answer. It makes me see the beauty in our country and even though I cannot move to these places, I can still enjoy them just as much.
Thank you Rachel for running with me! You are an amazing cousin and I hope I get to visit you in England and make you run a race. I think the next goal may be to save up and do the 7 continents…Cross North America off the list!!!!
I still want to run the Boston Marathon. I am hoping my knee feels better and I can make it but I am just trying to enjoy life.
stupid knee…good thing tape solves all problems.
I am also laughing about it now. I got to Rachel’s house at 7:30. My car didn’t have the visitor pass on it because it was closed at the office so I figured whatever. So we went to the race in Rachel’s car and then showered. We went out to eat and got coffee. I realized my car wasn’t there and we had to track it down. It was towed at 1:15…I think it is ridiculous that it got towed because the office was closed so it was impossible to get a pass. I couldn’t even get ahold of them to get another pass so we had to park my car at Rachel’s work so I would not get towed again. It cost 275$ to get the car back. What a load of SHIT!
I am sad that my goal has been reached more than I am happy. Fifty half marathons was a big accomplishment for this small town girl! I know you can do anything with a little determination. I need to keep reaching for my dreams to maintain a positive life. I think this was great. I have to be honest and confess that I was in a dark mindset for a little while in life and it is good to not be depressed.
I still get sad that there are so many people who come out and watch their loved ones race but I have met a lot of great people along the way and I am glad that I have had some relatives come see me.
My once empty rack is now full. It is time to get another medal holder.
I had to defer the Marine Corps Marathon because of my knee and I have dropped out of Pacing the Rochester Half Marathon and the Wine Glass Half Marathon. I know that I reached my goal, but I also realize Boston will never be possible if I do not let my knee heal. Duct tape is a good idea, but it is not a solution! I hope that I can run soon because I truly enjoy every minute of it!
Besides running my 50th half marathon, my goal was to gain confidence and “fall in love” with myself. I think that I am not 100% there to be honest, but I have gained a lot of confidence.
I think it is hard that I am just naturally skinny now. I love to run so it is hard to put on weight but I love to eat. I think I am also to be honest, wishing I had a bigger ummmm chest. I guess I did not wish enough when I was a kid. I have to tell you something funny. I saw my ex boyfriend one day and he questioned if I was pregnant (real nice)! I said I wasn’t and wondered why he would ask. He said because my chest looked bigger. I said, “He must have wished for me to get bigger breasts but his wish only came true because he dumped me.” I think that was pretty funny!
So without further ado or some saying like that, I wanted to share some pictures that have made me feel really confident. I can still be surprisingly shy…I don’t think people realize just how nervous I get but when I talk a lot sometimes it is because I am really nervous…I have worked hard on it…but I feel like I have come a longggggggg way from being that scared, nerdy girl!
Christina took these too by the way!!!!!!!! She is amazing!
50 half marathons DONE!!!!!!!!!!
What is next: 7 Continents, enjoy cycling and do some bike races!
Big Goals: Overcome my hydrophobia and do a half and full ironman
For now: Duathlons baby!!!! Challenge New Albany
QUALIFY FOR BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Confession: I want to take dancing or to go dancing…