You might ask why I wanted to do 50 half marathons? You might think this was something I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl, riding a horse. I wish it were that simple. The truth is I was not a runner. I apologize for the length of this post, but I have a lot to say. Why did I decide to do it?
I guess it started here. This is half number 32. If you have been following my posts, I randomly signed up for this race after I was dumped the week of Halloween. I won’t go over the details but you can read about it in my previous posts.
I went to Pennsylvania and decided to run the Bucks County Delaware Canal Half Marathon. When I received my medal, there was a heron on it. It reminded me of my grandfather. I felt like he was there in a sense and he would have been proud of me for finishing. It was hard to run a race with a playlist of music that reminded me of a guy who felt I wasn’t good enough to break up with in person. I am over him now, but it is hard when someone breaks your heart so easily. I had a hard time running but it kept my mind off of life. I was debating on telling you this, but the last hill was really tough on Saturday. I guess I was just hot so maybe I was a little delirious. I felt like I could hear Grandpa calling to me saying, “come on you can do it. You have got this. You are almost there.” He had on his white shirt and glasses. I guess I was just making it up because he loved to wear his red hat!
I look awful in this picture. I am still losing weight and I am not happy. My marriage, was not happy. I was miserable and I could not breathe. He wasn’t nice to me and there is a lot that wasn’t ever right. Our marriage was dead. I will leave it at that. I had to get out for Lilly.
I wanted Lilly all to myself, but unfortunately, it isn’t that easy in most cases. I only get to see Lilly every other weekend and always on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I guess you call it 50/50…though it doesn’t seem fair since I spent most of the time with her and he didn’t. So I got out and running helps me keep my mind off of missing her!
The truth is that I was that shy girl in school. I didn’t have many friends and I worked hard to succeed. I did not have much time to be active. I was on the swim team and the track team. I wasn’t very good and I don’t think people took me too seriously. I was big into Foreign languages and Math. I wanted to do something amazing with my life. I traveled to Ireland and was hooked on travel.
This is my twin sister…this is her senior picture. She was popular and everyone loved and still loves her. I am sure she keeps in touch with a bunch of them. There is a lot to like about my sister and I just wasn’t that outgoing.
I am a good person and I think school was hard for me because my sister was so popular that people looked at me and wondered what happened. I actually had a guy ask me once, “how can your twin be so pretty and you be so ugly?” I still regret to this day saying, “I don’t know.”
I think this is why I became a teacher. I remember how awful kids can be and how immature. I could go on with the stories, but let’s just say there were nicknames and I gave up eating in the cafeteria because I could not stand people. I am proud that I don’t care what they are all up to now in life. I keep in touch with maybe three people from school. Life is too short to waste it thinking about the people who never gave me a chance.
Why am I bringing it up? It is totally relevant. When life throws a pile of shit at you, you have to find a way to defeat it. Running…running totally does it for me.
I went from being that shy, nerdy girl in school, to someone who could run. It did not matter how fast I ran, it just mattered that it made me feel good and I kept doing it. Every mile I ran was not easy. If it ever felt easy, I was not pushing myself enough.
When I was finishing my half marathon on Saturday, it was really hard because of my knee. I feel pretty emotional in this picture because it was hard to not give up. My knee is still bothering me, but had been feeling better. I remembered all of the races I have been doing and all of the heart I put into logging the miles. I like the saying on this medal, “Pain is temporary. Pride is forever.” I have felt a lot of pain over the years, especially the past few years. Divorce is never an easy decision and no one can decide it for you. I am glad I had support from my parents and I am proud to say Lilly loves me just the same, even more. I was in a dark place for so long. When your husband says he no longer finds you attractive and you do not hear the word “love,” it is not a marriage. You start to lose confidence in yourself. I love Lilly with my whole heart and she is my world. I had no confidence left and I was not treated like a human being. It is nice to come home from work and not clean and not have to worry about dinner and if it is satisfactory. It is nice that I do not have to wonder if he is drunk or high. It is nice that I can just be free.
I chose to run these 18 races to reach 50 this year because when life sucks, it is good to have a positive goal. Running is free therapy. I am not allowed to move and Lilly has to attend FM school district. I am free but I am also very much trapped for now. I am often asked why I do races far away? There is your answer. It makes me see the beauty in our country and even though I cannot move to these places, I can still enjoy them just as much.
Thank you Rachel for running with me! You are an amazing cousin and I hope I get to visit you in England and make you run a race. I think the next goal may be to save up and do the 7 continents…Cross North America off the list!!!!
I still want to run the Boston Marathon. I am hoping my knee feels better and I can make it but I am just trying to enjoy life.
I am also laughing about it now. I got to Rachel’s house at 7:30. My car didn’t have the visitor pass on it because it was closed at the office so I figured whatever. So we went to the race in Rachel’s car and then showered. We went out to eat and got coffee. I realized my car wasn’t there and we had to track it down. It was towed at 1:15…I think it is ridiculous that it got towed because the office was closed so it was impossible to get a pass. I couldn’t even get ahold of them to get another pass so we had to park my car at Rachel’s work so I would not get towed again. It cost 275$ to get the car back. What a load of SHIT!
I am sad that my goal has been reached more than I am happy. Fifty half marathons was a big accomplishment for this small town girl! I know you can do anything with a little determination. I need to keep reaching for my dreams to maintain a positive life. I think this was great. I have to be honest and confess that I was in a dark mindset for a little while in life and it is good to not be depressed.
I still get sad that there are so many people who come out and watch their loved ones race but I have met a lot of great people along the way and I am glad that I have had some relatives come see me.
I had to defer the Marine Corps Marathon because of my knee and I have dropped out of Pacing the Rochester Half Marathon and the Wine Glass Half Marathon. I know that I reached my goal, but I also realize Boston will never be possible if I do not let my knee heal. Duct tape is a good idea, but it is not a solution! I hope that I can run soon because I truly enjoy every minute of it!
Besides running my 50th half marathon, my goal was to gain confidence and “fall in love” with myself. I think that I am not 100% there to be honest, but I have gained a lot of confidence.
I think it is hard that I am just naturally skinny now. I love to run so it is hard to put on weight but I love to eat. I think I am also to be honest, wishing I had a bigger ummmm chest. I guess I did not wish enough when I was a kid. I have to tell you something funny. I saw my ex boyfriend one day and he questioned if I was pregnant (real nice)! I said I wasn’t and wondered why he would ask. He said because my chest looked bigger. I said, “He must have wished for me to get bigger breasts but his wish only came true because he dumped me.” I think that was pretty funny!
So without further ado or some saying like that, I wanted to share some pictures that have made me feel really confident. I can still be surprisingly shy…I don’t think people realize just how nervous I get but when I talk a lot sometimes it is because I am really nervous…I have worked hard on it…but I feel like I have come a longggggggg way from being that scared, nerdy girl!
50 half marathons DONE!!!!!!!!!!
What is next: 7 Continents, enjoy cycling and do some bike races!
Big Goals: Overcome my hydrophobia and do a half and full ironman
For now: Duathlons baby!!!! Challenge New Albany
QUALIFY FOR BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Confession: I want to take dancing or to go dancing…