Finding Your “Strong”

“Life is painful…messed up…complicated…hurtful…and though I want to get lost in that huge abyss of a world, I need to push through and find my strong…”

I never know where to start or what to say. I’ve been writing this for over a year. Some days it’s frustrating while others it’s pure joy. I think my races being cancelled had a huge effect on my emotions this week.  There is too much silence and I am constantly reminded that Lilly is not here this week.  I know it is not true, but sometimes it feels like she is all I have.

I have been doing alright with my running and I am glad I have a race this weekend.  At this point I just want to smile. I can’t breathe.  I hate that it has been so cold. I am not an “indoor” kind of girl.

I know that I will feel hurt throughout my life and I am scared of it. I sometimes blame myself. I think I am one of those rare people in this world who tries so hard to put everyone first that I have forgotten how to just embrace the good I have to offer.  I need to run and this is what I have been thinking a lot about.  I want to be that girl who walks into the room and people smile.  I have gotten to the point where I hate watching movies because I don’t remember what it is like to be hugged. I know this sounds silly and you probably want to stop reading but I can’t remember what it is like. I wish I could.

So I have turned to my running. This week I am going to focus on my “strong.”  I’m not as fast as I was but I bet I can get there If I put my whole heart into it! I have to!  The only way I want to get lost is if it’s to find myself. It is Monday and I am horrified to go back to work. I want to be noticed and liked.

I think I’m going to just listen and take in the world around me.  There is so much to hear.  I feel that people do not do this enough…we are so addicted to our technology that we stop noticing life around us.  I want to quit Facebook but I use it too much….

What is your “strong?”

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Race Fever, Post Friday Blues, and Long Run Saturday

“Not all those who wander are lost.” Tolkien

I was a little bummed when both of my races were cancelled this weekend. I think it was definitely time for a vacation. I was getting really cranky and I’ve been sad I don’t have Lilly this week. It’s the best time to have her.

Ive been wanting to get away and I hate Valentines Day. I know married people aren’t always into it but it’s always a day when I’m reminded about being single. When I got engaged once upon a time, it was February 16th.  I can’t catch a break.

I am so happy I run. I think I would go insane sometimes. Do you ever wonder when you are single what is wrong with you?  I often feel that no matter what I am turned down because of my flaws. I know I’m socially awkward but I work hard at it and I confess I consistently get bummed at work because no one asks me to happy hour and I find out about it when someone comes into my room and asks to borrow perfume (which I don wear). I’m constantly at a loss for words because people call me the wrong name. I love my job…but as I have said before it would be nice to notice. I got a little sappy yesterday. I love my kids. We did this whale project and they made whales and had to write about saving them. Someone said what a nice job they did and I felt like people noticed my kids and my work for the first time!  It meant a lot to me.

I liked someone a while back. I thought they liked me too. It was nice. I had a glimpse of what life could be like and I felt happy. I got asked out on a date but then he had to cancel. It hurt. I was so excited.  It was never rescheduled.  I tried so hard to not let it bother me but sometimes I remember I am a girl.

I have gotten a lot better. I focused on my running and where it can take me. I even have some pacing coming up this year for a couple of races and I’m excited. I need a life of adventure.  However, I’m still a girl and sometimes it sucks. I wonder if guys ever feel this way? I wish when I felt rejected I didn’t blame myself. I felt so confident for the longest time between racing and Oiselle.  Then I let my guard down and fall for a guy, who is never interested in me.  I believe people meet for a reason and for once I just want to be that girl someone finds amazing!  Maybe I’m too intimidating or maybe they don’t find me attractive.  I don’t know anymore. Every time I don’t know what to think.  The one guy said he was too busy but if a guy likes a girl, there is always time.   He should have said he was busy and didnt find me attractive enough to give up his free time.  I’m still wishing I had had my slow dance last year.  I don’t know I’m embarrassed for bringing it up. I should have kept it a secret.

So I’m glad I ran today and had a blast with my friend Melissa! I think she is great and I hope she rocks her marathon in may!

My next race is in Augusta, Georgia! I have a 5k on Saturday and a half marathon on Sunday. I was going to fly but I need to get lost to find myself again.  My running takes a toll when my emotions do.  I just wish I could catch a break….when I stop and think about it, I can’t catch my breath. Maybe some people are meant to live life alone to see how strong they can be and what they are capable of.

Things Just Happen – Martha’s Vineyard 20 Miler

“Bad things happen to everyone. It isn’t your experiences that define your life. It’s your responses that make or break you.”

Things just happen. I cannot explain it and it seems unfair but it just wasn’t meant to be.  I feel like the Martha’s Vineyard 20 Miler just wasn’t meant to be!  I was so sick for about three weeks. I’ve been running on a bruised rib. Today a kid came up and squeezed me and it feels like my side is on fire.  I have had to take a couple of days off running and I’m just getting back to speed work!!!

I did get a good long run in on Saturday so I was bummed. I was excited to escape my job Friday.  I feel absolutely invisible at work even though I love my students to pieces. I don’t mind being invisible but it would be nice to make friends….I do have Danielle…so I have one friend.  Thanks Danielle!!!

I remember opening the email and feeling like I had been dumped by my Valentine’s date. I hate Valentine’s Day. It is the worst. It is a holiday that makes me realize I hate being single sometimes and when I wasn’t it reminded me how much he never tried!!!! Also, my back is hurting today and I don’t like massages from anyone but who I date!!! Anyhow, I wrote the race director. I said I completely understand they had to cancel because the trails were impassable. It makes sense and at least I had not left yet! I said that it still felt like I had been dumped by my valentine hahaha. They wrote me a nice letter! I would love to run next year if I am in the cards.

Things just happen!

So I am stayin here and making the most of my run at Green Lakes Saturday… Even if no one comes and I run alone.   I don’t know how ill escape all of the mushy couples and pretend I’m happy being alone…but things just happen!

I have a lot of great races coming up and I signed up for the 18.12 today.

So I hope to be there next year…but things might happen.  It’s okay!  I think I need to put less pressure on myself. I confess it is hard not to.  After seeing several doctors this year I was told running isn’t good for me.  Running is good for a lot of people but my body can’t take  it as well.  I think that is why I push so hard.  I don’t know how many years I will be able to run.  Things just happen….but I love to run so I hope it lasts forever.

On a good note, I have a whole bunch of new clothes from Oiselle!!!! I love my burgen track attack pants!!! I love my lux feather long sleeve shirt and I cannot wait to try my wazzie wool base layer!!! I love love love my gray head up wings out shirt too!!!! Thanks!!!!!

Things just happen! I’m a good person and I will make the most of it! It could always be worse. I do argue I have bad luck but something good happens once in a while!  I just wasn’t ready I guess…no Valentine’s Day race…ill put my bib next to my slow dance dress!

Long Run Blues

“Solitude is painful when one is young but delightful when one is mature.”

I just came back from my long run at Onondaga Lake Park! I ran 14 miles with some good y runners and then went for breakfast.  I had a great run, shared some good conversation, met new people, and had a delicious breakfast at Cafe 407!

One might say I’m crazy for being blue right now but most people don’t understand. I do not expect them to and I know it could be worse.  It’s hard to grow up as a considerably quiet person. I think as a child I learned to enjoy solitude. This quote is so backwards I chose today. I remember trying out for a play in middle school just to get over my shyness.  When I got a part in the play I don’t know who was more surprised? Me? The other classmates?  Someone even said and I will never forget, “I didn’t even knew you talked.”

I think this acting was a way to break away from being scared of people. I have students who are the same way and I hope they do too!  Now I am energetic and try to talk but I am always so worried I will say the wrong things. So why so blue after such a good morning?

Even though my ex husband was never home,   I still knew there was someone in my life. I’m glad he isn’t anymore and I am better off…but it is hard going from owning a house and having a dog to not having either. Worst of all, Lilly is not in my day every day.  Do you know before I was divorced I was only away from Lilly 2 nights in the first two years of her life?  Lilly is the best part of my life…my reason for living!  I always wanted to leave my mark in life and I always thought it would be by writing…but now I know it is Lilly.  She will grow up and do amazing things in life and change the world!  She will be strong, independent, and loving…a beautiful addition to this world!  So it is hard to come home and see her toys and her blanket forts…because I know she is not home….

I think I am more blue now because next Friday I will say good bye to her for more than a week.  No matter how happy I am and how much fun I make each day, I’m sad that she isn’t in my day.  It never gets easy.  I don’t know how it ever could.

Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it but it does help!  It doesn’t seem fair.  No matter how much of a good person I try to be, I will always feel that this was unfair. A mother should never have to say good bye to her child.

On top of that, I watched the most depressing movie last night: “Being Jane Austen.”  Her sister’s fiancé died and Jane loses the man she loves because of money.  They never marry.  It was so sad and it was a true story.  They both had love and they lost it. I wonder if in life Lilly will be the love of my life and I will never ever truly know what it feels like to be loved by a man? Maybe some people are just meant to never fit in. On top of that I took some dumb quiz that said I will never be married again. It’s funny…most people say they would never get remarried but I would. I didn’t have dancing, didn’t have a honeymoon, and didn’t have a groom who truly knew what it meant to love someone.  It was not a marriage….so I am blue for all these reasons.

I think I have gained a lot of confidence.  Running has made me confident in so many ways.  I feel strong. I try hard to never give up.  I listen to my body.  I have met a lot of wonderful people.  I travel and run all over and I am a flock member for Oiselle!  I also have an amazing daughter….but when I leave my long runs and say good bye to Lilly, I go home to this life of solitude I no longer wish to know.  When I race, I am always alone. I  am ready to be happy all of the time…

One Week to Go! MV 20 Miler

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”- George Bernard shaw

I sat at my desk today, thinking about how much my life has turned into “Groundhog Day”…ever see that movie? I feel like a robot and after being sick for about three weeks, I am screaming inside.

Why? Good question. I was home sick and didn’t talk to anyone in person most of the time. I tried to run through it and it was really hard. I am always reminded about how we need to live life to the fullest…so I have been trying hard but that sickness I had killed my energy. I cannot remember ever feeling so sick. I don’t want to feel that way again and I hope Lilly doesn’t catch it!!!

I have built up cabin fever. I need to get out and have fun! Lilly and I went to Panera but that wasn’t very exciting.

I think about all of the amazing places I have been and I get that itch to go.  Then, I realize that someday I need to face my surroundings and find happiness here.  I love running around here.  I think the Winter really makes me feel like Eeyore.  I think I was born for adventure…I crave it and I get lonely at home. It isn’t the worst feeling but I know what is out there and I want to explore!

Next up is Martha’s Vineyard for my 20 miler. After being sick, I am scared. I am determined to finish.  It is also on Valentines Day, so I am spending the morning with my love of running… Then Starbucks on the way home :)!!!

I have been a little busy… Here is my updated schedule:

february 14 – Martha’s Vineyard 20 miler

february -15- hmvcc winter series marathon relay

February 21- Augusta 5k

February 22- Augusta half marathon Georgia

March 7- tipp hill Syracuse

March 8- oceans run half south Kingstown Rhode Island

March 22- Syracuse half

April 4- race the runways airport challenge mile and half marathon (brunswick, Maine)

april 18- baa 5k

april 19- earth day half marathon baldwinsville

may 3- providence Rhode Island marathon

May 16- st. Michaels half Maryland

May 17- marine corps historic half Virginia

May 30- run for the dream 8k williamsburg va

MAy 31- run for the dream half virginia

june 28- Bristol half marathon rhode island

July shipyard???