Long Run Blues

“Solitude is painful when one is young but delightful when one is mature.”

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I just came back from my long run at Onondaga Lake Park! I ran 14 miles with some good y runners and then went for breakfast.  I had a great run, shared some good conversation, met new people, and had a delicious breakfast at Cafe 407!

One might say I’m crazy for being blue right now but most people don’t understand. I do not expect them to and I know it could be worse.  It’s hard to grow up as a considerably quiet person. I think as a child I learned to enjoy solitude. This quote is so backwards I chose today. I remember trying out for a play in middle school just to get over my shyness.  When I got a part in the play I don’t know who was more surprised? Me? The other classmates?  Someone even said and I will never forget, “I didn’t even knew you talked.”

I think this acting was a way to break away from being scared of people. I have students who are the same way and I hope they do too!  Now I am energetic and try to talk but I am always so worried I will say the wrong things. So why so blue after such a good morning?

Even though my ex husband was never home,   I still knew there was someone in my life. I’m glad he isn’t anymore and I am better off…but it is hard going from owning a house and having a dog to not having either. Worst of all, Lilly is not in my day every day.  Do you know before I was divorced I was only away from Lilly 2 nights in the first two years of her life?  Lilly is the best part of my life…my reason for living!  I always wanted to leave my mark in life and I always thought it would be by writing…but now I know it is Lilly.  She will grow up and do amazing things in life and change the world!  She will be strong, independent, and loving…a beautiful addition to this world!  So it is hard to come home and see her toys and her blanket forts…because I know she is not home….

I think I am more blue now because next Friday I will say good bye to her for more than a week.  No matter how happy I am and how much fun I make each day, I’m sad that she isn’t in my day.  It never gets easy.  I don’t know how it ever could.

Maybe I shouldn’t talk about it but it does help!  It doesn’t seem fair.  No matter how much of a good person I try to be, I will always feel that this was unfair. A mother should never have to say good bye to her child.

On top of that, I watched the most depressing movie last night: “Being Jane Austen.”  Her sister’s fiancé died and Jane loses the man she loves because of money.  They never marry.  It was so sad and it was a true story.  They both had love and they lost it. I wonder if in life Lilly will be the love of my life and I will never ever truly know what it feels like to be loved by a man? Maybe some people are just meant to never fit in. On top of that I took some dumb quiz that said I will never be married again. It’s funny…most people say they would never get remarried but I would. I didn’t have dancing, didn’t have a honeymoon, and didn’t have a groom who truly knew what it meant to love someone.  It was not a marriage….so I am blue for all these reasons.

I think I have gained a lot of confidence.  Running has made me confident in so many ways.  I feel strong. I try hard to never give up.  I listen to my body.  I have met a lot of wonderful people.  I travel and run all over and I am a flock member for Oiselle!  I also have an amazing daughter….but when I leave my long runs and say good bye to Lilly, I go home to this life of solitude I no longer wish to know.  When I race, I am always alone. I  am ready to be happy all of the time…

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