Finding Your “Strong”

“Life is painful…messed up…complicated…hurtful…and though I want to get lost in that huge abyss of a world, I need to push through and find my strong…”

I never know where to start or what to say. I’ve been writing this for over a year. Some days it’s frustrating while others it’s pure joy. I think my races being cancelled had a huge effect on my emotions this week.  There is too much silence and I am constantly reminded that Lilly is not here this week.  I know it is not true, but sometimes it feels like she is all I have.

I have been doing alright with my running and I am glad I have a race this weekend.  At this point I just want to smile. I can’t breathe.  I hate that it has been so cold. I am not an “indoor” kind of imagegirl.

I know that I will feel hurt throughout my life and I am scared of it. I sometimes blame myself. I think I am one of those rare people in this world who tries so hard to put everyone first that I have forgotten how to just embrace the good I have to offer.  I need to run and this is what I have been thinking a lot about.  I want to be that girl who walks into the room and people smile.  I have gotten to the point where I hate watching movies because I don’t remember what it is like to be hugged. I know this sounds silly and you probably want to stop reading but I can’t remember what it is like. I wish I could.

So I have turned to my running. This week I am going to focus on my “strong.”  I’m not as fast as I was but I bet I can get there If I put my whole heart into it! I have to!  The only way I want to get lost is if it’s to find myself. It is Monday and I am horrified to go back to work. I want to be noticed and liked.

I think I’m going to just listen and take in the world around me.  There is so much to hear.  I feel that people do not do this enough…we are so addicted to our technology that we stop noticing life around us.  I want to quit Facebook but I use it too much….

What is your “strong?”

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