Cox Providence, Rhode Island Marathon #4 review

“Sometimes nothing said speaks louder than words.”

imageI have

beimageen putting off writing this all day. If I don’t now, I might never. I don’t know where to start or what to say. I wonder sometimes that if we live previous lives, if maybe I was a bad person? I know I sound silly but sometimes I just don’t get life.

I know I should be proud and I did pr..but what happened?  I have been training so hard. I don’t think a lot of people know what it is like to be a full time mom and go train for a marathon.  I get up early, I work full time, I get Lilly ready, and I run all the time. I’m juggling three lives that I love: a mom, a teacher, and a runner.

I run six days a week, one is a long run.  I have had babysitters a lot and have been saving money to work hard at this.  I have speed, but sometimes I don’t have endurance.

Here is what happened:

I tapered these past two weeks. I did my 75-90 minute run last weekend….then I had a fever Monday, so I stayed home from work. I went to practice and did my sharpener….it felt great…6:25 pace- nailed it!

My my ultimate goal was to get a 3:38- enough to get me into Boston…. When the race started, it started late.  There was an accident on the course so we needed to be patient.  We started close to 8:00 am…. It felt great and I was on fire… Every step felt awesome.  I watched my pace and my goal was to bank a little time for the hills and it worked smoothly.  I was on target…. I would go and have a negative split.  I reached the halfway point at my goal.  I know at mile three I was at 23:03.  At mile 6, I was just under 48.  At mile 11, I was at 1:30…. I was on it….mile thirteen I was cruising…. Then by mile 14, something happened… You know when you are running and all of a sudden something happens and your leg feels horrible??? This was me.  I have piriformis and burcitis.  This was much more though.  I kept running but I had to overcompensate.  My ankle throbbed and my calf was on fire… It was like I had turned into jello.  I don’t know what I pulled or did, but my left hip hated me by the end a well. It could be a sciatic nerve too… All I know is that mentally I had my heart in this…. Physically, my body just could not hold up…. I reached mile 18 and the 3:45 pacer caught up. I wanted to cry because I am capable of it…. Every step felt awful.  I think at mile 20, I pushed it a little to try to make up ground but I just hurt too much.

At mile 22, I wanted to cry when the 4:00 pacer went by.  It wasn’t fair.  I could easily run under 4:00.  Instead, I finished in 4:03. I know it is a pr…but I have never trained for a marathon so it doesn’t feel like a pr.  It feels like my body failed and  I ultimately failed.  By the time I finished, my friend Linda was there.  I cried in her arms.  I had it and I wanted it…. But my body couldn’t do it.

Mistakes:  I didn’t really warm up beforehand and my stretching was worthless because we waited around.  I did go fast in the beginning but 8:01 is not too bad for me and I did slow it down and officially could barely run by mile 17, which I clocked a 9:58…. Ouch!

Next steps: I’m trying to go to a doctor but it doesn’t seem to be working.  I went to a bunch of doctors and it’s hard to see a new doctor.  I’ve been told running isn’t good for me and to try A class called pure barre.

Coaching- he probably hates me or thinks I’m a goner.

Emotions:  I don’t know what to say. I had what I wanted and I lost it.  If I didn’t have it I’d be fine and I would have my sub four.  I wonder if I feel better in a few weeks if I should try it again?  I also wonder if I should give up on my dreams and face the thought that running isn’t good for me.  I won’t give up running but it takes it’s toll on me and I need help to get better.  There is a huge part of me that knows I can do this…. But how long will it take?  When can I go after it again? I’m afraid I’ll go out and constantly do marathons now just to bq…. But will it work or will it take all of the running out of me?

I don’t know what to say to people who ask me how I did.  Most people would say my time is good…but my heart was set on a bq.  I didn’t just want it for me.  I wanted it for Lilly. I wanted it for all the single moms out there…I know it seems silly to be fixated on a race…. But it’s Boston and I don’t have much in life.  I’d love to win a unicorn for Lilly…. And I can do this…. But I’m so down now.  How do I move on?  I’ve been smiling all day, but I’m just sad inside….All these miles… All the time training… And to lose it?

i have no idea what to think or say…

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