Tag Archives: Goals

New York City Or Bust!

“You have to live the life of your dreams.”

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I know I have used this quote before but I am trying hard to finally take it to heart.  I honestly thought this would be an amazing year.  When I got dumped back in 2013, I made a vow to make this the best year I could.  I tried so hard…I guess that sometimes you just have no control over life.  You just have to go with the flow and live in the moment…When I signed up for a bunch of races this year, I had an awesome time.  I keep talking about it because it was an amazing experience.  I did something I have never done before.

I will never forget running my first half marathon and wanting to sleep forever after it was over.  I thought I would never run another race. I remember driving to Chambersburg like it was yesterday.  I think it was hard because I did not know what to expect.  I am how shall I say, “Anti Social.”  I arrived at the race and everyone looked at me like I was an alien.  I was wearing shorts and a tank top.  It was cold, but I was warm because I am from upstate New York and Pennsylvania was like the tropics to me.  When I ran my race, I finished in 1:55.  I do not know what has been happening to me but I think I need to figure it out.  I used to run under 1:45 with no problem.  I missed placing in my age group by about 30 seconds.  I wanted to stay and talk to everyone but it was hard.  There were a lot of people eating pizza and socializing.  I wish I could have but I could tell almost everyone was with company.  So I hopped in my car and put Rhode Island on my gps.

Rhode Island is amazing.  I cannot begin to tell you how beautiful it is there.  It was hard for me to drive there.  When I went through Connecticut, I went right past the place my ex boyfriend was staying in Mystic.  It is bizarre that this whole race addiction developed to get my mind off of him.  When I travel I am low key and I go to my hotel to shake off the car ride.  It can be pretty stressful.  When I arrived at the race, I met Andrea, Cindy, Amy, and Cynthia.  I had a great time and still talk to them!  I was so nervous about running another half marathon…but they do it all of the time…I had fun and did a better job at this race.  This is a race I signed up to do again in 2015.  I think I need to keep racing, even if I am not as fast.

My year went on and I did more and more races, filled with amazing people.  I guess that somewhere in the middle of this, I felt like I had lost myself in all of the traveling and fun.  I suddenly stopped and realized I needed to focus on figuring out why my time is so bad now.  I want Boston more than anything…

I have bad luck.  I have really, really  bad luck.  I do not know if I hold up a freak flag and make men run or if they are just intimidated by me.  It took a lot to go through divorce and it nearly killed me to go through being dumped by another.  I don’t remember when I got over it, but I know it was really hard.  I have always been rather sensitive…and rejection is never easy.  I think the hardest part about rejection is that they never really tell you why.  In my case it was also hard because he didn’t just leave me alone.  He had to get his car…but then he led me to believe we could work things out.  I do not understand how a guy dumps you and then deceives you into thinking it isn’t over just to sleep with you.  I am sure there are women out there just as bad but it is rotten and I just do not understand guys sometimes.  My dad was right. I should have had his car towed.

Moving on…I try to just focus on running and my beautiful daughter.  She is wonderful…My goal is to be the best mom in the world.  She is my life.

lillyrowShe is so special.  She wanted to play in the gym so we went.  How cute is she?  I have to focus on her.  I cannot wait to get out of work today and go get her! I think we are about the only school district who had school today.  It has been hard for me at work too.  I had this policy that I do not date work people.  Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I had someone in the district like me.  I said no and tried to discourage the person.  Well, I soon realized I did not want to discourage it.  When you are alone for so long, it is nice to feel admired.  He was good looking too.  We were supposed to go out on a date and I thought everything was fine.  Something understandable came up and he had to cancel.  I felt depressed.  I feel like I must have done something wrong.

I can’t think that way because it is something I cannot change.  I gave up a chance to go to X country nationals and be with Oiselle.  I have to stop giving up on myself and my dreams just because people run from me.  So I am hoping to get to New York City to run The Frozen Bonsai Half Marathon in Central Park this weekend.  I have to take the night bus to get there and hope I do not get lost when I get to NYC.  I need to do this.  I also feel a little silly.  I do not want much for Christmas.  I have never had a good slow dance.  I don’t even really remember having one. My ex husband did not like to dance.  We did not have dancing at our wedding.  My ex boyfriend didn’t invite me to a wedding but wanted me to be dd.  He asked me to slow dance.  He ruined it.  I feel dumb because I wish work guy would have been the one to ask.  I was worth dating.  I wish we had our date.  I can’t change it though.  I want my slow dance for Christmas…if not this year…next year.  Until then, I am living the life of my dreams….I want to go to Europe…so…here is to NYC!!!  Here I come!

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What is Next?

“I run because long after my footprints fade away, maybe I will have inspired a few to reject the easy path, hit the trails, put one foot in front of the other, and come to the same conclusion I did: I run because it always takes me where I want to go.”
Dean Karnazes

oswegoIt was a quiet Thanksgiving vacation for me this year!  I did get back into running more.  I have been pretty good this past week.  I was just shy of 40 miles, but with my knee still causing me trouble…I will take it!!!  I even had a good long run on Saturday for 90 minutes. I am doing 45-60 minutes of base runs, one day off, one day with hills, and one long run…90 minutes.  I wanted to do two hours, but I figured that it was a good start and I should not push my luck.

So why the gloomy picture?  It isn’t gloomy to me.  Some people like to run when it is sunny and there is a lot to see…me, I love the water.  It is pretty funny when I hate swimming in the open water.  I hate the open water because I almost drowned when I was a kid!!!!

My times are not fast at all, but some people would love them so I should count myself lucky!  I have been trying to focus more on enjoying running than winning.  I should be happy I had those moments.  I should get back into sprinting, but I love the long distance.  Sprinting is more successful for me, but I get so competitive!!!  I am not as good at long distance so I have to work harder for it!  This year, I think 5th place was the worst i did in the 5k.  I won either 2,3, or 4th in the others.  I remember waking up for my duathlon in Rochester and I knew I couldn’t make it because I had overslept!!!  I hopped in my car and ran the Trout run in Deposit, which I had never heard of.  I won third place and a trout trophy.  Woo hoo…but I cannot do that in the half marathon.  My best finish ever was in the 2012 (I think) Run to the Sun in Watertown.  I won a massage with a time of 1:40….I think that liking something more challenging is a healthy thing…if it is too easy, it is easy to get mad at yourself or not enjoy it as much!  I know I am not a speed demon in the 5k, but I will always be happy with a pr of 20:33.  I would love love love to break 20…but I feel happy!

first thanksgivingThis year I did not have Lilly for Thanksgiving.  It was quiet and I went to my Cousin Judy’s house.  I had a good time.  That was the only interaction I had until my sister and her family came home.  I do not mind being alone, but it is strange to be a teacher and come home from school…to two days of solitude.  I know I am socially awkward and what not, but I like the noise…but I have to admit I got used to the quiet.  I enjoyed some good runs in Oswego, Ny and froze my face off!  I even saw a bunch of deer!!!

oswegonySo this is Lake Ontario in the Winter…well almost Winter.

I have been thinking about my goals for 2015.  I have been working on myself in this blog a lot!  I know I have a long way to go!!!!!!!  I confess I thought I had it figured out.  I wanted to go after a relationship, but sometimes I think that I have a great relationship already- RUNNING!!!!!

It seems silly and I do miss the times when people are happy together around the holidays.  I do hear a lot of people tell me I am lucky and should enjoy singletonville…I do enjoy it and there are a lot of times I do not.  I have to confess I have been wanting to go downtown and ice skate.  I want to have my slow dance and I am getting sick of traveling alone.  There are just times when it is harder to enjoy things alone.  However, I need to focus on my running.  I decided I am not going to cut my hair until I qualify for Boston…so I will probably look like cousin It.  I want to work on my speed and get into weight training and swimming…maybe even consider a 70.3 if I do not drown in a triathlon before a big one.  I need to see what I have left before I get too old!  I have a few races in mind for running but I do not want to share.  I need to be ready!!!!! So I need more long runs, speed, and weight training.  I am training with some fast guys!  I hope they help kick my ass into shape!!! I run with Wisam and Brett, who both did the Philadelphia Marathon in November.  They finished in 3:31 and 3:44 I think!!!!  Go boys!!!!  GIVE ME YOUR SPEED !!!!  Ha Ha.

I also want to have a great time with Lilly…she is awesome!!!!!!!  I am hoping to do something fun April break with her for her birthday!!!!  She will be five.  She deserves the best and I am excited to see what happens in 2015!!!!!

I am looking forward to Christmas.  I have Lilly for two weeks!  I love work, but I feel unnoticed and hope to be visible soon!

Heart and Sole

“They say a good love is one that sits you down, gives you a drink of water, and pats you on top of the head. But I say a good love is one that casts you into the wind, sets you ablaze, makes you burn through the skies and ignite the night like a phoenix; the kind that cuts you loose like a wildfire and you can’t stop running simply because you keep on burning everything that you touch! I say that’s a good love; one that burns and flies, and you run with it!”
C. JoyBell C.

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Last weekend, I ran a race and thought it would be my last race of the season….I figured that was it…what a good note to end on.  I have done the Delta Lake Half Marathon three times now and I love that race.  There is not much else out there I like better than that race.  It is beautiful going around the lake though, I do have a lot of memories from it and it is time to move on.  Do you believe in signs? I did not think I did either, but sometimes I feel like it is true…that things happen and they happen for a reason.  I was all set to be done with it!!!!  I see all these people running and I am extremely jealous.  I don’t think people get it.  I must drive people nuts with my passion for running.  Running and Lilly, it feels like that is my life.  I love to bike too, but it doesn’t make me feel as amazing as running yet…maybe there is hope….but running makes my day.

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So a sign?  I believe things happen for a reason.  I have had some knee trouble so I have had to defer a lot of races.  I feel like I already have a race season next year because of it.  It is sad at how many misses I have given up.  Well, the Wineglass Marathon is next weekend and that was supposed to be my big fat BQ!!!!  “Was supposed to be….”  I cannot run a full marathon.  It was already too late to defer….so I looked at other options.  I have a chance to claim the state of New Hampshire and run the Bristol Half Marathon on Saturday, October 4, 2014.  I was all excited.  I wanted to sign up.

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I took Lilly apple picking today to get my mind off of running and to try to live life without running. It didn’t work.  The whole time I was out with Lilly, all I could think about were races today and all the people who ran the Ragnar Relay.  I want to be out there getting lost on the hills.  I want to be that girl who runs fast and finishes strong.

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I do not want to be a quitter.  I feel like this coming week I have been given a sign that my season isn’t over…you might be wonder what that was.  I know there is this thing going on in New York where you get a refund for $350.00 from the state and I received it.  I guess that isn’t a huge sign, but then I was told there is still hope that I can do a half marathon on Sunday instead of a full marathon.

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So what do I do?  I am faced with this dilemma.  Do I not race and hope that my knee heals, though it hasn’t?  I am supposed to go to the Doctor’s office tomorrow for my knee but is one weekend going to make that much of a difference?  Will I sit around and mope all weekend and end up running anyways?  Or will I take the road unknown and go out and live every single second to the fullest?  I do not want to stop running and I am sure if I were like most people who have distractions or people to spend their free time with, I would be okay with not running…but I do not have that…I have been really happy lately and I do not want that feeling to go away.  I am a Oiselle now and I feel this sense of pride and I want to keep running and representing Oiselle.  I would love to be part of a team locally…I do run with the Y runners…sometimes…well not very often…I think I have been three times.  I would love to do a Ragnar…

“The one who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The one who walks alone, is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.” ~ Albert Einstein

Lately, I feel like Einstein is right.  Sometimes I think I try too hard to fit in when I am not meant to fit in.  I think I sometimes have this strong determination and sense of independence.  Sure, I want to be loved!  Who doesn’t?  But maybe I was born to stand out!  It only took me 34 years to accept that ha ha.

What to do…….New Hampshire, Wineglass……no run…………

Find someplace beautiful and get lost………………………………………………………..

Feeling Blessed

“We cannot rewrite the past. It’s done. You cannot change it. Instead, focus on the now. Live everyday to the fullest…”

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I’m still sad that my season is inevitably over…. almost 99% sure. I go back to the doctor on Monday.

I think I’m sad because I long for more. It was amazing. I really lived life to the fullest and I hope I can continue….it was wonderful and my mind is always trailing off to these beautiful races!!! I also met a lot of wonderful people…I would name all of you but I don’t want to be in any trouble for forgetting anyone…I have to mention Cynthia, Andrea  and Judy..I’d mention Adam, Judy….but now all I can think about is the banana pumpkin smoothie!   I want one…than you for warming up to me!  I am rather shy, but I think you realize I am not so strange once you get to know me!  Just think, it I had never gone to the Oceans Run half in Rhode Island, we never would have met!

I am also excited to be a Oiselle member….it has become such a positive experience and the girls are wonderful!

I know I started out with some silly challenge….but it was a pretty incredible ride!

I will get it back…I hope…I should feel blessed that I was able to go and have good speed for a while….instead of being angry that I am injured, I should be happy for what I have had…it was amazing….and Boston…ill get there…just not today :-)……I need to listen to my body and advice..

Lost on A Run

     No matter how down, how tired, or how lazy I feel, there is nothing that beats the feel of a good run.  You might be wondering where I have been or why I have been so distant with my blog.  Where have I been?

     I have been right here. I have been that girl who walks silently throughout the grocery store…I am that girl who smiles and works with children all day long.  I am that girl who has maybe walked right by you and you have not noticed.

     It is funny how life works out.  I am so happy to be at my new school.  I feel like I might be able to make a difference.  I have a nice job and I am surrounded by amazing children from all over the world.  I wish I could share their beautiful faces with you all, but I am not allowed to.  You can understand.  Life seems to be falling into place…but why am I so down and up…up and down?

     I cannot run well….it has been far too long.  I am so sad.  When I look at my blog, I want to revisit my amazing races.  I love to race and I had so much fun…but that girl who is glowing during the race…she is missing right now and I cannot get her back.  I go about my day but when I am rushing to get my next class, I often think, “I wish I could run.”  It is hard to not have it come up in conversation. 

     I am sure you are thinking: “There could be worse things in life.”  I know and I agree so I feel somewhat selfish…but when I come home to an empty house, knowing that I do not get to see Lilly, it makes me sad.  I do not know how or why it has taken so long to be able to get back into running.  I know that I have a bruised tibia and torn meniscus…but running is the air that I breathe.  I suppose it would be different if I had someone to enjoy biking with and get lost on the hills with…my bike does a good job but I miss Lilly…and I miss running.  Imagine if I can never run again?  I cannot imagine it…or am I living this feeling right now?  What if my running will never be the same and I will never…ever make it to Boston? I know there could be worse things but I was always taught that if you work hard your dreams will come true…and Boston…Boston is my dream and I want to get there.  I am sorry I have been distant…but it is hard to know that Boston has started its registration process and this will be another year my name does not make it into the program. 

     I know that there is more to life than Boston.  I work in Syracuse and it is a tough district but I love it.  I want to be a positive role model and get children to run and reach for their dreams…how am I supposed to do that when I cannot run?

I wish I could run around the block three times and my pain would magically go away…I wish I could run down the street and climb that pole at the playground and ring the bell so it goes away.  I need a miracle to happen I suppose…the longer I do not run, the more I let life seem less amazing. 

I Wish Upon An Oreo So Yummy!”

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Today is my day off! I just found out I will be teaching at a new school in my district and I could not be happier.

Last weekend, I ran a 5k and landed in 2nd place overall! I finished in 23:52 with my torn meniscus and bruised bone. I was rather excited! Then I switched from the half Mary to the 10k… I finished in 50:22…. Not bad for being tired and injured…but then I saw the bigger picture. I want to run forever. I don’t want this to be the end. So I took a break and I haven’t ran since. I am sad and there is not much else to do to spend my time forgetting about the joy and utter bliss I have running…..you see I am kind of a loner….but I saw the big picture and I am excited about what I have in store. Most people who know me realize my name is my married name but I am divorced. I haven’t changed my name yet, but I run under my maiden name.

So I finished my big challenge to make it to 50 half marathons and I want to do my 50 states….but how can I make you jealous? I am going to work on my 7 continents. Obviously, North America is done…I refuse to go to Africa because of Ebola…so I won’t share but my eyes are set on a couple of continents…soooo we will see what happens. I love traveling and running so I can only imagine what will happen when I combine the two….

So Oreos…..

I used to believe that if you took apart an Oreo and the creme stayed on one side, you would get your wish…so I did just that and my luck has been good lately…I’m afraid it will run out so I eat an Oreo every day….I found out Lilly is going to be in the advanced pre k, then I found out that I got the job I wanted, and I had other good news….well for my birthday I know what I want….maybe it will happen…who knows…then today I applied for an apartment and I got it…my rent is ridiculous so I want to move…though ill miss this place. Who knows….

So I am wishing for happiness to come with my Oreo because I can’t remember the last time I blew out a candle for my birthday… I hope my knee gets better and I have a great school year.

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I believe that if you are a good person and you live your life to the fullest, good things will happen.. See I made popovers from scratch and in a hurry.sometimes if you just relax, things will happen!

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Post- Ironman Relay

“Determination gives you the resolve to keep going in spite of the roadblocks that lay before you.”

It is Wednesday and I have not had a chance to recap some of the race and to share how my week has been going or not going.

So we finished 5th in the relay, but I am not sure if we were 5th or 4th.  I think we did awesome but I wish I could have ran a little faster.  I know I am hard on myself, but I do think I could have done better.  I do not know what to do.

 

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Kim did awesome on the swim. She finished in 27 minutes, which placed her 8th out of the female. I think that is amazing and I hope she can go pro someday.

I do not know how she does it. She could swim for days!!!!!!
scaredswim
I want to drown just looking at this picture!!!!! I cannot believe how crowded it is.

After Kim ran in at a great pace, Aaron took over on the bike. I think he did an awesome job as well!!!!
He finished in 3:03. scaredaaron

I think for someone who hasn’t been racing he did a great job and he was hard on himself too…so was Kim. I think because I am the runner it is natural for me to be hard on myself too…we are all good at our sports, but I have been sucking for a while and need to get out of it.

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I thought I had finished in 1:48 (which is still slow for me) but I forgot to start my watch so I finished in 1:50. I was so exhausted that I did not hear them announce our team and say what a great name that was.
I remember the days when I would finish and I would not be tired and my time would be 1:40….I miss those days and I am sad. I need to find it in me to do the one thing well that I love.scared

We are already in talks about next year. I hope we do it so I can redeem myself. We will see…I would like to do one on my own and I have my first open water swim class I am going to tomorrow night at Jamesville beach. I hope I like it and I do not drown.

I feel like an idiot too because I think being alone is why I am not doing well. I know it is speedwork too…but when you are going for so long and you feel this lack of affection in your life, it seems like it is taking a toll. I think I can get over this feeling because I do not know what life has in store for me. I want to be happy and to be with someone but I cannot let it get in the way of my goals. The truth is, I like someone…but I haven’t dated in so long, I just need to relax and see what happens (He already knows I like him).

I want to run in Boston and I want to do well in life but I have to get by this road block. I need to focus and just learn to beeeeeeee happy!!!!!

I have self confidence but lately I have had a lot of people say I look too skinny or that I need more meat on my bones. I look sickly…I eat trust me and I try to over eat too but it makes me sick to my stomach to eat too much. I do not know what to do.

I also got offered summer school. I am not going to lie, I guess a part of me does not want to work….then there is this part that says I can run away and sign up for a million races…I keep running. I do not know why?

Confession: Besides Boston, I want to run a marathon or half on all of the continents. I want to do the Berlin Marathon and the Paris Marathon. I am still bummed about PAris. I will get over it. Berlin is in September but I do not have the ability to go…maybe next year. I want to be a faster runner before I go there. I think it would be amazing….